Mom just wants tomorrow’s MRI to be finished. She’s nervous about it. At least the worst of the nausea has passed.
Her nurse-practitioner called when mom got home from their office, to apologize. They forgot to do blood work and need to do it tomorrow. She may also get Procrit and possibly another Neulasta shot. This made her even more upset about tomorrow.
She ranted for a while about how hard this has been. I thought about it for a moment, then apologized. I feel like I failed her. For most of my life I nagged her to quit smoking, and this is exactly what I was afraid of. But somehow I failed to get that message to her. She thought I was nagging because I didn’t like the smell of the smoke. That’s true, but it’s only a small part of why I nagged so much for so long. The horror of these past few months, the fear of the future… that’s why I nagged.
She told me not to apologize, and said it was her fault for not listening to me. But the truth is I didn’t explain my reasons well. I suppose it’s because I was a child, but that’s not an acceptable excuse to me. Maybe if I had been able to get her to see the future I feared, things would have been different. And maybe we wouldn’t be living that future right now.
September 5, 2008 at 1:59 am
[...] unknown wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptFor most of my life I nagged her to quit smoking, and this is exactly what I was afraid of. But somehow I failed to get that message to her. She thought I was nagging because I didn’t like the smell of the smoke. … [...]
September 5, 2008 at 8:08 am
You must stop blaming yourself! You didn’t buy the cigarettes or put them in her mouth. She chose, as an adult, to smoke, and to ignore your warnings. You did the best you could. Haven’t you said yourself that dwelling on the past is pointless? Close the door on the past and simply be there for your mother in the present, helping her towards remission and recovery. Here’s an idea: put all your blame in a bucket, take it outside, and toss it into the far corners of your yard. Then maybe you can move into the present.
September 6, 2008 at 12:45 am
I did the best I could, and it wasn’t good enough.
Dwelling on the past is pointless. Try telling that to my brain at one in the morning.
Mom doesn’t need to know that this stuff keeps me awake all night, and she won’t know. And that’s what matters.