Well It’s been a few weeks not since I’ve written. I’m settled in my new apartment now and thankful I moved. Things seem to be going in a better direction than they did before.
I spoke with my therapist today and have come to realize a lot of things about myself - things I honestly need help with. I honestly wondered what had happened to me. To go from being completely focused on the gospel before my mission and then to come home and completely give it up scared me! I still know everything is true, it’s just like someone found a blue print to all my weaknesses and now they’re being attacked like they never had been before.
My therapist thinks I need to think about, try and remember what it was that helped me become so strong. What am I missing? What tools did I have before?
She then brought up the fact that maybe if I’m on a date and things start to get a little heated I should text message a friend, maybe a code word - an “!” mark or something - that they would know they needed to call me and have an excuse as to bring me home or take me out of the situation. I then told her how I used to do that before my mission with my ex. If it started getting a little too passionate and I knew I’d be in trouble I would text my friend Sarah and she’d call and say something about how she needed a ride home or she needed to talk or something just so I’d come home.
As I sat there with my therapist she asked if I’d kept a journal. I believe I did, but they never told me what it was that got me so strong. Now that I think of it I religiously would carry around a “For The Strength Of Youth” booklet and I remember how passionate I was about my CTR ring, I had pictures of Jesus everywhere… I listened to John Bytheway all the time and watched the LDS movies… Temple Square was my hang out. I’d go on drives and just spend a day watching all the movies on Temple Square. The Testaments were still showing in the Legacy theater. I read the scriptures… But I honestly don’t know what or why I was so addicted to them. I remember selling all my R rated movies, even the ones that should be rated R - “Meet Joe Black” was the hardest one to give up, but because of one thing in that whole movie, I gave it up.

I want to be what I was before my mission! I REALLY DO! If the scripture is true that reads:

John 14:25

But the ^a Comforter, which is the ^b Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my ^c name, he shall ^d teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.

If this is really true, than I should be able to pray and be able to remember what it was that helped me in the very beginning. . .

Oh please, God. Help me.