CRIMINAL MASTERMINDS, NEW YORK CITY DIVISION

• Author unknown

  An Olio of News Items

  http://themedianerd.wordpress.com/2008/12/08/an-olio-of-news...
  31 days ago in the media nerd · Authority: 6

  Jump to Comments Today in cool maps, this shows the average distance to the nearest road.  Notable because you can see the Rocky Mountains,  the Everglades and other real things, even though it’s not a topographical map.  The guy who did the research also wrote the book Traffic: Why We Drive the Way We Do (and What It Says About Us) which I just put on hold at the library to read over break!  (Woohoo! Geek out!) If you’re worried about universal health coverage turning America into a socialist nation, read this first.  Yeah, we should totally live in a country where a woman induces labor so she can have her baby before her insurance coverage runs out… My Dad taped hours of fine television from the late 80s to the mid 90s when my favoriteeeeee moiveees everrrrr were on the tube.  I’m really glad I forced him to keep the majority of those VHS tapes, because if this Mental Floss blog is any indication, I’m totally in for a treat when I watch them. Why does Joe the Plumber get a book deal but thousands of excellent authors fail to find a publisher every year?  (Because you’d give a woman who said the following a $7 million advance too…) “I had great faith that, you know, perhaps when that voter entered that voting booth and closed that curtain that what would kick in for them was, perhaps, a bold step that would have to be taken in casting a vote for us, but having to put a lot of faith in that commitment we tried to articulate that we were the true change agent that would progress this nation.” Note: It was not the woman wearing the t-shirt that strung together such a fine, fine sentence. Emoticons on trial The ads for the new “Shrek” musical are all inside jokes for theatergoers.  Love. I am sure you already heard about this:  From the annals of dumb criminals, this is my most recent favorite.  (As far as I know, there is no “Annals of Dumb Criminals.”) 0 Comments Filed under 2008 Presidential Election, Ads, Health Care, New York City, New York Times, Reading, Television

  • Author unknown

    DAOTW for the Week Ending December 5, 2008

    http://dontbeadumbass.net/2008/12/08/daotw-for-the-week-endi...
    31 days ago in Don't Be a Dumbass! · No authority yet

    After a Thanksgiving trip to Chicago to visit the Lovely Wife's father and sister (who is still on the hook to do the Dumbass' taxes), the DAOTW is back in action. To the nominees: The CEOs of the "big" three US automakers. Driving back to DC in a hybrid vehicle to ask for a bailout? Shameless PR stunt. Telling Congress you really need $9 billion MORE than you asked for two weeks ago? Proof you're totally not the ones to make the US auto industry profitable and more competitive. American teenagers. The Josephson Institute, a Los Angeles-based ethics institute, released results from a survey showing that within the past year, 30% of high school students had shoplifted, 64% cheated on a test, and 36% used the internet to plagiarize an assignment. That said, 93% said they were satisfied with their personal ethics and character, and 77% claimed they are better than most people they knew when it comes to doing right. Journalists, for getting their panties all in a bunch over this totally unsurprising (at least to the Dumbass) "news." Patrick Stuebing and Susan Karlewski, a UK brother and sister, who also happen to have four children together, two of whom have disabilities. They're trying to convince the EU to overturn its ban on incest so the couple can continue their relationship in the open. Or something. The yobs in Belvoir, Leicestershire (in England, Dumbasses!), who ran away from Alan Garratt's shop empty handed after the 68-year-old heart bypass patient repelled their attacks with a bottle of sherry (and two huge brass balls). The yobs were armed with samurai swords. David Griffith, a male stripper from Minnesota who was assaulted by a bar patron. Why nominate the assault victim? Dude claims he didn't know he was stripping at a gay bar. Antoine Mitchell and Michael Jordan, two thugs who beat and robbed a 70-year-old woman at a Bronx housing project. They tried to hail a cab for their getaway. Problem? The "cab" turned out to be an unmarked police Crown Vic responding to the robbery. Massachussetts state trooper Michael Galluccio, for giving a ticket to a couple driving in the breakdown lane to avoid gridlocked rush-hour traffic. Why does the Dumbass have a problem with that? The woman was in labor, and her contractions were three minutes apart. The unnamed 25-year-old Detroit-area man who vomited all the crack he had ingested trying to avoid arrest. Cops fished the crack out of the dude's puke and arrested him on drug charges.What a week! The Dumbass wanted to include the president of his campus of Proprietary U for making him take a personal day for choosing not to attend the campus Christmas party on a day the Dumbass doesn't teach. But that's what happens when you promote "Admissions representatives" (sales weasels) to regular management. #1 Suddenly General Motors' cash flow is negative $5 billion rather than the negative $2 billion they claimed just two short weeks prior? Let's stop trying to glue this house of cards back together, shall we? Keep in mind that Chrysler's CEO is the guy who ran The Home Depot straight into the ground, and then was "awarded" a $210 million severance package. The Dumbass has no sympathy. #2 In related news, teenagers who can't do simple multiplication and division claim to be "better than most people at math." The self-esteem movement has borne fruit, and that's some nasty shit to swallow. #3 The Dumbass is surprised the AP didn't find some way to link these survey results to the economy. That's how clueless most fucking journalists are. Then again, at some point in their lives most journalists were teenagers in a public school system somewhere. #5 Pussies. Gramps was armed with a bottle of sherry, for fuck's sake, not a baseball bat, or even a bottle of vodka or whiskey. Oh yeah, Gramps also received a gash in his arm that required eight stitches, and he still came after your candy asses. #6 Yeah, as if, motherfucker. The bar's name? Flame. If the Dumbass is in a bar called "Flame" and doesn't see a single bitch in the place, the only conclusion is the obvious one. No need for Freddy Mercury look-alikes to tell the full story. #7 So a gangsta from "The Shield" and one of the greatest basketball players ever to play rob an old woman in the Bronx, and don't have a getaway plan? "Hey, there's a Crown Vic. Must be a cab." Yeah. Like cabs just wander the projects in he Bronx looking for fares. #8 This week's winner of the petty tyranny award. Of course, the higher ups supported his (lack of) discretion in enforcing the law. #9 There are certain drugs you do not eat in order to avoid being charged with their possession. This episode tells the Dumbass that crack belongs on that list. Eat your weed. Have an alternate plan for drugs that can do damage in high doses. That leaves...#4 Patrick Stuebing and Susan Karlewski!!! Big fucking surprise. He's 31 and on welfare. She's 23 and already a mother four times over, by her brother. The only thing that makes sense to the Dumbass is that these people are somehow hoping to sell the rights to their story for film and/or TV. Then again, the Dumbass has difficulty following the thought processes of many of the people who appear in these digital pages. Don't be a Dumbass!

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      TGIS: Thank God It's Schadenfreude! (196) . . . The Sequel!

      http://infamyorpraise.blogspot.com/2008/12/tgis-thank-god-it...
      34 days ago in Infamy or Praise · Authority: 31

      This week's bonus joy in the misfortune of others comes courtesy of The New York Times (via Diane Levin) (from Wednesday, December 3; link good at time of posting):In the annals of great crime getaways, the two men who beat and robbed a 70-year-old woman at a housing project in the Bronx on Wednesday afternoon are unlikely to earn a mention.The two robbers followed the woman into an elevator at the Baychester Houses at 1891 Schieffelin Place just after 4 p.m. and attacked her, the police said. They punched and kicked her, pushed her to the ground, and stole her wallet, which contained $149. Then they ran outside and flagged down what they thought was a livery cab, the police said.But the three men in the Crown Victoria they hailed had other business: They were plainclothes officers responding to reports of the robbery.When the officers asked the men for identification, one of them pulled out the victim’s wallet instead, the police said.“Oh, I just found this,” he said as he handed it over, said Joanne Jaffe, chief of the police housing unit.The two men, identified by the police as Antoine Mitchell and Michael Jordan, both 21 and from the Bronx, were arrested after the woman identified them from the back of an ambulance.[Previous TGIS]Labels: Crime, Schadenfreude

      • Author unknown

        Dear Criminals: The getaway is the MOST IMPORTANT part of the robbery

        http://blogs.kansascity.com/crime_scene/2008/12/dear-crimina...
        35 days ago in Crime Scene KC · Authority: 118

        Otherwise, you might end up like these guys, accidentally hailing a cab that is, in fact, a Crown Victoria full of plainclothes police. Hat Tip: Many thanks, Goshel!